life. its a funny thing. lately it seems like i’ve just been trying to figure it out, constantly having to remind myself that life is about the journey, not the destination.

i need to be silly and goofy and take stupid pictures. i need to travel and see the world. i need to stop having agendas and schedules for everything and just let life happen. i need to chase after my dreams (whenever i figure out what they are). i need to feel i make a difference in my job. i need to run after things in my life and collapse at the end of the days…knowing I did all i could to make a difference and glorify God through my works..not self glory. i need to be around youth. I need my Saturdays with no set plans. i need constant access to a journal and non-fine tip ink pen.  i need to constantly be challenged, moved, and guided by the Holy Spirit in my life. i need to see life as just as simple as it is and stop overcomplicating it all. i need to be more self-motivated and quit stressing myself out. i need to just breathe…i need community, i need surprise and adventure in my life and silly randomness.

I want to be 80 and know my life has been all that it could have been. I want to be 80 and still sarcastic, goofy, and fun in my relationship. i want no regrets. i want pictures from travels all around the world. i want to visit all 7 continents. i want to go on a cruise. I want to be more outdoorsy. i want to get a great camera to take great pictures of life. I want to visit the beach once a year and escape to mountains without cell service twice a year. life cannot be fully enjoyed without the calm of the ocean air and the view of the water at night or the stars and crickets of the mountain cold. I want to work as a guidance counselor. I want to spend my school years working in a school and escape on the weekends to youth retreats and the summers to mission trips. I want to be more spontaneous. I want to learn to dance. I want to sing karaoke at least once in my life.  I want to go to grad school out-of-state in ~2 years…. (yes that sounds like a plan….ignore the planness of it)

i make too many spreadsheets and plans of my life, for sure. it’s just my ocd natural habit and that will likely continue.  spreadsheets calm me down and while being ridiculously nerdy, make me feel at ease about life…. do they always work? no. does life always go as the spreadsheet says it should/may? of course not. is that fine? of course! life is an adventure to be lived and shared.

life right now is up in the air to say the least. I’m not sure where its going to land, that terrifies me on so many levels. and not the exciting terrifying. just the downright terrifying terrifyingness. all i know to do in these days is to pray and hope for what the Spirit leads me to do. just hope for the best and know that God will be there on the other side. it’s all i know to do anymore…

is it so bad to have needs/wants and to look at life accordingly? sometimes i wonder….

i know i’m a control freak and it takes me forever to try new things…sometimes its laughably pathetic.  i’ve been accused of using my major to control my life and the lives of others. i don’t think i do this, at least i desperately hope not… i’ve been told that in doing this, i am ‘raping personal relationships of all meaning’ and i desperately hope that’s not what i’m doing. desperately.  i desperately hope i don’t come off as seeking control rather than truth in life and relationships.  if i am, i don’t want to. i desperately hope that if i use my major to control things, that i dont turn people off from talking to me, and i hope that i don’t come off as unapproachable.

i desperately hope that my control issues are not actually causing me to question everything about the person i’ve worked so hard to become. i’ve been told that i’m doing that to an extent and i hope its not true. i don’t want to be a control freak. i dont want to question things out of lack of control. i don’t. this is not my life and i am not in control, it is His and He is in control . i want to rest in that, not see that as a lack of control. i want to see it as the greatest part about life and see it as the reason i should seek Him even more, not as either an easy way out or a crutch.

i don’t want to be accused of mentally retreating to a time in my life when life was more controllable and all the big stuff was far off in the future. is that what i’m doing? maybe a little but i don’t think completely. otherwise it would have subsided before it had been nearly 2 months…right?

a wise person once said this to me:

Throw control out the window, or you’ll miss the adventure of living your life, and I would hate that for you. Stop questioning, or you’ll never allow yourself to be shown any answers. Your questions are a grasp at control, which even if you continue to ask them, is a myth. We can’t control our future, you know that. It’s a recipe for unhappiness.

i want to throw control out the window. i have always pictured life as an adventure, but the best part about adventures is that they are uncontrolled. doesn’t questioning lead to answers, though? yes, but not if we refuse to listen…. some of my questions are grasps at control, especially those about life, but i believe a degree of questioning is necessary…the future IS uncontrollable which is typically regarded as the best and worst part about it. i want to begin to view it more as the best part of it…the best parts of our lives and usually some of the funniest or fondest memories are from when control was thrown out the window of life and life was fully experienced in every possible way.

i love life. i want to live it fully. period


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