with arms high and heart abandoned

i overcomplicate things.
i take simple things and complicate them.
i create things out of nothing.
i say i love change but when you mess with certain routines of mine, chaos ensues.
psychology allows my mind to twist things any way it wants them and then question each of those ways along the way.
the hardest thing for me to do is to simply do nothing.
i don’t know how to ‘clear my mind of all thoughts’ or simply ‘be.’
i’m really struggling with it.
i have so much to do and yet i always seem to have ‘so much to do’
psi chi, work, read, homework, read for school, finish the never ending independent study i brought upon myself, eat, sleep, friends, call friends, figure out life, figure out how to figure out life, on and on and on….that is how my mind goes
i have no idea how to simply just BE and clear my mind of it all.
last weekend i went to the Passion conference in Atlanta and it was nothing short of amazing. something i really felt God challenging me to do was to stop overcomplicating everything and stop doing doing doing and simply pause and BE. i overcomplicate everything in my life to the point where I think i’ve overcomplicated His love for me. part of me, unconsciously, refuses to accept it because i’ve mentally overcomplicated it. i’ve, for reasons unknown or understood to me, gotten to the point where His love for me seems complicated. i KNOW that it’s not, i KNOW that i simply have to accept it and it will all be given. i KNOW that works do not earn His love but it is given freely because i am His princess of a daughter, yet for some reason lately, i feel my heart not accepting that.
i feel my mind overcomplicating it. i don’t know how to just stop and be. stop and rest in His love for me. stop and see that as my strength and shield and comfort. i KNOW that it is and i KNOW that He will not leave me when i am weary or tired or weak or just feel like my world is spinning out of control, yet my heart cannot simply get past my mind and accept that.
life’s a bit complicated to say the least right now. i have a tendency to beat myself up about it and think i’ve brought it all upon myself. maybe i have. i don’t know. but what i do know is that i desperately want to be at a place where i wholly accept God’s love for me and wholly accept that as my strength each day.  i want to accept it, abide in it, rest in it, and just feel comforted in it, yet i don’t. i KNOW that i can, but for some reason, i don’t FEEL it.  i’m not sure that anyone reading this will understand how i feel, but please let me know that i’m not alone if you get this. please.
i’ve been realizing more and more over the past few months that there is a critical difference between KNOWING that something is true and FEELING it. i know all of the things He says to us are true. i have zero doubt in my mind about them. i have zero doubt in my mind that i love Him with all of my heart, yet for some reason, i cannot FEEL comforted or safe or secure in it. i cannot FEEL wrapped in His arms of mercy.
i’ve been reading through a book called “Do you think I’m beautiful” by Angela Thomas which seems to be addressing this very issue. the issue that women have a hard time simply accepting that we are called to dance with our creator. we are called to dance in his arms and constantly rest in the assurance that He calls us His and He calls us beautiful. we were created in His image for a purpose. we were also created with a God sized hole in our hearts that only he can fill.
throughout growing up in a “traditional baptist church” i was constantly introduced to the concept of a “God shaped hole” in my heart, but it was never presented to me in the way that Angela Thomas presents it through her book. it was simply presented to me as using sex or drugs or other clearly negative things to fill that void. Angela presents it as using our relationships to fulfill us. seeing the people around us as supposed to fill us and make us feel whole and make us into who we are to be. that can’t be how it is. if that’s all it is, we will never be whole, we will constantly be disappointed, and we will constantly expect more than people were created or should be expected to deliver. God is to be our portion, He is to be our fullness.  people on the earth are simply vessels of His love in our lives, not fulfillers.  no guy can ever fulfill me the way God can and no guy can ever make me into who God wants me to be, only God can. it sound simple, but i think if we all spread our lives out on the table, we can begin to see that we want our friends, boyfriends, families, work friends, etc to each fulfill us in a way they weren’t created to at some point.  while they are God’s vessels and can be used to help us see something about ourselves or fulfill things in us, THEY are not the ones doing it and THEY should not be expected to do that. God may work THROUGH them, but it’s not them. its Him.
i guess its something i never realized i struggled with.
this blog has been insanely personal, but its real life and its me.
i pray that over the next week i will be able to more successfully begin to be filled by HIM in a radical way and that i will accept the love in not just my head but my heart more consistently and more wholly. i cannot be whole apart from him.
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

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