life is a mystery we are never meant to fully understand.
it cannot be lived by fortune cookies and street signs alone.
too often i have tried to live it this way, by waiting for the fortune cookie or super obvious street sign to point me down the right path.
too often i sit on the edge of the boat and test the temperature of the water, too afraid to just step out and walk on it.
too often i stand at the edge of the cliff of decision and dangle my foot off, contemplating to an obsessive point what it would be like if i were to jump off.
too often i am timid and afraid.
i don’t like to admit that and i resent calling myself either of those things, but when it comes to life, too often i am a mixture of both of those things.
no longer do i want to limit myself or hold myself back.
no longer do i want to contemplate myself into a box where i don’t experience life to the fullest.
no longer do i want to analyze life, i want to experience it.
i want to be a jumper.
i want to be spontaneous.
i want to jump off the cliffs and live on the edge.
while i feel a bit of analyzation, contemplation, and temperature testing can be useful and vital, i do this too much.
graduation is just over 5 months away and the only thing i know about May 9, 2010 is that it is a sunday, thus, i will likely be working like i do every sunday.
if i did whatever i wanted after graduation, i’d take the next 2 weeks and go on an EPIC road trip. i’ve never done this and just after graduation sounds like the perfect time. i’m not sure where i’d go, but i’d go. i still may do this, but that doesn’t really give me much direction for after that, it just sounds awesome.
lately, i’ve seen and heard many conversations about ‘things i’d like to do in 2010’ or ‘things i wish i had done in 2009’ so i’ll make my own little list
-learn to build a fire
-rock climb more
-go on a cruise
-go out of the country
-go to the beach, again
-go on a vacation just me and my sister and help her visit colleges
-road trip, epically
-experience more of tennessee outdoorsy stuff before i move in a few years
-look more seriously at grad schools in NC, AZ, CO, TX, CA, or any other states that add themselves to the list
-visit kelsey at least once
-go camping (i never have 😦 )
-visit whit in orlando and go to Universal for the first time
-be financially independent 100%
-visit gulfport, ms again
-be more active in youth-related things
-learn to jump off the cliffs more on my own
-get out of the boat (not sure what this one means, its just weighing on my heart lately)
those are about all i can come up with without listing typical cheesy over-used new years resolutions. the last one has been weighing on my heart pretty heavily lately. i’m not sure what it means, i’ve just felt this strong sense that i’m sitting on the edge of a boat and i just need to get out and walk, not look down or back, just walk. that’s about as far as the sense goes and i’m trying to explore that. december has brought a lot of questioning into my life which i honestly asked for and didn’t think i’d get.
during October/November, i found myself starting to feel comfortable. maybe complacent is a better word. either way, i wasn’t feeling challenged by the Word of God and i wasn’t waking up every day asking Him to use me and feeling like i close to him. I prayed countless times for him to show himself to me and draw me close to him, even if that meant turning my world upside down and bringing me experiences i never dreamed of experiencing. It feels like that has been answered loud and clear. where to go from here, i haven’t a clue, but i know i feel closer to Him than I had in the past few months, i’m just uncertain as to what the future holds.
i’m thankful for this break from school as a time to rejuvenate myself and rekindle my closeness with Him before my final semester of college. life throws a lot at us all sometimes, it’s just a matter of searching through it all and discerning His will through it. and making sure we don’t spend our lives sitting on the side of a boat.
life is not about fortune cookies and street signs, its about falling head first into the arms of our Creator and letting him guide our paths each and every day. but for someone who really likes fortune cookies and doesn’t turn down roads without street signs, that’s a daily challenge.