life. hello

i think too far into the future sometimes and its a curse. i’m currently working on living more in the present and letting the future worry about itself. (Matthew 6:34)

i have a hard time doing that. i like to ponder life which involves pondering the future. i’ve been working trying to just give my future up to God and let Him direct me the way i was created to go, but i’ve realized something lately.  in listening to Francis Chan‘s recent podcasts, I’ve realized we focus far too often on what God wants us to do rather than who he created us to be.  After all, if we are not who He created us to BE how can we DO what he created us to DO.  I’ve been wrestling with this for about a week.

I focus so much on what i feel i should do and not enough on discovering who i was created to BE.  everyone tells us that we should figure out who we are by this point in our lives, but is that really true?  I think its a lifetime journey if we are figuring out who we are in the sense of who we were created to BE.  if we are constantly on a journey to discover who God created us to be, the journey doesn’t have an endpoint really…

i put a huge emphasis on the people on the journey called life with me. i value friends, love, and family more than most which is a curse as much as it is a blessing. i feel i’ve gone through friend stuff so much that i’ve discovered a deeper meaning of what its like to be a friend but it also causes me to have high standards for friendships and really search for the deeper parts to friendships.  this can often leave me lonely and wishing people looked at things in a less superficial manner, but when i do find friendships, it’s a beautiful thing.

i’m beginning to wonder if i put too much of an emphasis on the people around me defining who i am at that moment in time. i’m beginning to wonder if what i think is ‘highly valuing friendship’ is just me being afraid to let people in. i’m beginning to fear that i have let who i am around or who is not around because they live too far away define too much of my emotions.  my friendships span miles, but do i let that get to me too much that i don’t enjoy the here and now?

i don’t know. i’m beginning to think that i’m using all of this to mask that i’m not in the mindset/spiritual mindset where i’m allowing god to fully reveal himself to me and his plan for me. i don’t feel his direction in my life but i’m not seeking it as much as i should. i dont see his plans for me but i’m not seeking them and seeking him like i should. i say i dont feel him but i’m not seeking him and getting into his word to get to know him.

i can’t really be frustrated if i’m not seeking after the one who should be directing my paths, can i?

this has been more of  self-help, journey into my head, kind of blog, but its become increasingly difficult for me to see through the foggy future because a part of me knows that i don’t need to be trying to look through it and figure it out for myself because He created me to BE a certain person and until i discover who that is, I cannot figure out what May 10, 2010 holds or any of the days after that.  I need to discover who i am to BE before i discover more deeply what that person is to DO.

please pray that I will begin to seek him more wholeheartedly and that i will focus more on BEing than DOing.