staring into the ocean

sitting here in the library at MTSU, i realize this is my last first week of fall classes. weird. thus my mind becomes reflective.

college has been an interesting journey so far to say the least. not a single semester have i had everything i needed to do in one city except for the second half of fall 2007. fall 2007 was a pivotal semester in college for me. it taught me alot about friendship. it was easily the most emotional semester of college for me. it confirmed (for the 3rd time) that 8am classes are in fact evil and i haven’t taken another since.
i grew up ALOT during that semester and like to think that i’ve grown since then as well. for some reason, i just got reflective about that semester today. reflecting has made me miss having a core group of friends within hanging out distance alot. until that semester, i guess i never really experienced a GROUP of close friends. i’d had best friends and still do on and off throughout life, but that was the first semester i’d really felt deeply part of a group and like there weren’t cliques within the group. it was amazing. those friendships have since changed, as friendships do over time. some have remained, some have dissipated, but that’s all a product of life.
that semester taught me alot about living life to the fullest. as emotional of a semester as it was and as much emotional turmoil as i went through, i wouldn’t trade it for the world. it taught me about who i was. it taught me the value of reading and journaling and spending as much time with your friends as you possibly can because people move and transfer on a dime.
and lately, i sometimes feel like i haven’t been living life to the fullest. not because i don’t want to or don’t have the desire, i think i just associate that (because of experience) with having a close-knit group of best friends and i don’t have that within hang-out-able distance and it takes a toll on me sometimes. i learned the true meaning of friendship that semester and multitasked all semester long. the only class i didn’t get an A in was the 8am one, and that was simply because it was 8am and c’mon, you can’t have a life and have an 8am class. at least not when you’re a night owl like me.
i just feel like i’m not living out my full potential right now. i’m busy, don’t get me wrong, and things that need to get done are getting done, but i want deep friendships again. i want late night movie nights again with best friends. i want nights spent wandering around cities or parks, etc taking hundreds of pictures to upload them on facebook immediately when i get home.
i don’t like when i get like this, because i feel ridiculous, but that’s what i want. i don’t want to live in the past, but i think realizing what i miss about it should help me in the future.
i also want direction and i want to progress. my job is now a minimum wage job and i really don’t necessarily want a promotion in my department because i can’t see that as a career, but i don’t want to leave because of relationships with members, but i feel like i’m going nowhere at it. my favorite boss is leaving, most of the people i’ve enjoyed working with have left or work different hours, and there’s no opportunity for a raise.
i’m 21 and nearing the end of college. i want to serve people. i want to work with youth. i want to work with middle school girls helping them in life. i want to help fix schools. i want to be there for people. i want to travel the world. explore the west. thailand has always fascinated me. i want to feel intrigued by the life i live and i want adventure.
i don’t want money or an executive business position, i want to constantly love people, especially teenagers and be a constant in their life. while they’re all taller than me, i love them. i love that age group. i love teen girls asking me questions about life and looking to me for answers. that’s where i want to be in life. when taking a youth ministry class (incidentally during fall 2007) i loved it, but i never saw myself as the youth pastor, but maybe as the woman alongside the youth pastor. the girls ministry leader. maybe it was just because i was in the class, but i saw myself there.
i’ve seen the youth pastor and his wife at my home church and their love not only for each other but for their teens is amazing. i want to be that. i want to lose sleep over talking about boys at 2am with teenagers and taking girls to concerts and going on mission trips and simply being there. i love it. i love every youth event i’ve ever worked at. i never had that lady who would invest her time in me and it felt genuine and i felt like i could relate to her when i was in middle or high school (esp. middle school) and i want to be that. i’m sure throughout my old blogs, this theme has been a constant, but it came back to me today for some reason. it’s what i want.
i also want to be more outdoorsy. i want to climb. i want to learn to canoe or kayak (maybe just canoe) i want to not be allergic to the outside so i can actually go outside more. tennessee has a ton of stuff in that area, so maybe i’ll try and make some friends who are into all of that and explore.
i’ve just been reflective about it all today for some reason. so i wrote. it had been too long
i’m not really sure what any of this means. i usually analyze stuff being a psych major, but i don’t feel like it. i feel like going to the beach and staring off into the ocean, the most calming experience in the world.
but for now, i shall go eat mexican food with whit