for me.


this post is more for me than anything. just to preface.

there are 3 major decisions up in the air right now and its driving me crazy.
the most…surfaced, pertinent i guess would be the word one is the job one.
2 jobs, i can justify both, they’re completely different and pay completely different, so that complicates things. it would be easier if they were similar, maybe. i dont know if it would.
one makes a lot of money and would basically always be fun and would just all around be a great time, but i can’t really find a way that it serves anyone. it would allow me to save money for next year which would make that easier. it would not be stressful in nearly any way. just an all around carefree summer with flexible hours and awesome pay.
other job. serving. super serving, super stressful, super low pay. those three usually go hand in hand which kinda sucks. i have been known not to handle stress very well outside of my job and let it affect me and those around me far too much which is an issue here. related to education. allows me to serve youth. there are nervous fears but i can put those aside. for 6 weeks, my life would be living, breathing, and being this job which is stressful in itself but could also be an extremely growing experience that would push me to my limits which is something i don’t always hate. you learn the most when you’re at your limit. you become strongest at your limits. would be working with a great christian group of people and as a staff we do daily devos which sounds awesome and would definitely be the only way i’d get through it. there’s no way i’d be able to do that job without strength from Him. i know that. that does not scare me, it comforts me. i’m rambling and probably sound ridiculous but i need to do this. this job, as i said, would push me to my limits nearly every day all day, but i would have the opportunity to make a HUGE impact on the lives of middle school students. which would be extremely rewarding.
but
i have problems with stress at times. i need me time and this wouldnt allow for much of that. i need sleep and this doesnt allow for that. i’m not a morning person, but i guess that’s just life. all of these things i feel may be selfish things that leaning into the Lord i can overcome, i know that, but they are still concerns right?
i’m wondering if i know what i should do and i’m just distracted by flavored water and financial security. i’m wondering if this job was offered to me for a reason. i’m wondering if this job (the second one) could be the most lifechanging experience i’ll have in a job. i dont want to give it up. i dont want to throw it away. i dont want to selfishly take the first job. i do have to look out for myself and take care of myself before i can take care of others, but the second job was perfectly clear until the first job appeared again. these thoughts were being subsided until friday morning when i discovered this job (the first one) would exist again. i have no idea what to do, or maybe i do. i have rambled but was trying to write it out to help myself.
i also realize that while serving has its merits, i need to be able to be full myself before i can pour into others. i know i can overcome all this with His strength, but these are legit concerns.
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