today is a blah day.

the weather outside dropped 30 degrees and it is now cloudy.
a tornado ripped through a section of local businesses yesterday in murfreesboro which leaves me worried about their future in this economy.
yesterday was a glorious day (aside from the weather toward the end of it)
drove around nashville looking at areas and just seeing what kinds of apartments were where.
browsed Whole Foods for the millionth time enjoying all the wonderful-ness of samples
spent the day doing ^ with my wonderful boyfriend
it was great.
today i find myself in a blah state and missing a lot of things and people.
i feel selfish when i get like this because i am blessed with so much right now, but i do get like this, i guess it’s only human.
i miss the friendships of sophomore year first semester.
i miss the small school atmosphere
i miss living in nashville
i miss having my best friend closeby
i miss the days when ‘figuring out life after graduation’ was so far off
i miss carefree days driving around nashville after class and driving down hillsboro road late at night
i miss the days before the economy collapsed
but those days are not today.
i know i have to get over that and deal with it, but for just a second i’d like to point out that i miss them.
i’ve been more seriously debating moving back up to nashville in august.
it feels like home.
yes its more expensive, it looks like it would actually be ~$1600 more for a year lease up there than a year lease at a 2br where i am here. there are other opportunities to live somewhere down here, but i miss up there. like i said, it feels like home. hillsboro village suits me. 12th ave suits me. downtown suits me. being close to home, cool springs, franklin, etc suits me. i just don’t have a roommate to do that and dad’s worried about that. i also don’t have anywhere definitive to live but i wouldnt be doing it til august anyway so i could figure that out. it would mean i’d commute all my senior year which i don’t think is a bad thing since i already drive up there 2-3 times a week and i’d drive down here 2-3 times a week for class. doesn’t seem like too bad of a deal, does it? (you have to know me and know how i feel about nashville to understand this i guess)
next semester’s classes look pretty good so far aside from sensation and perception. i’ll have an independent study for my management minor with a great management teacher, psychology of close relationships, psychology of adults and aging, and any other electives i want to take. i only have 22 hours left to take so i can take much lighter semesters than i’m used to which will be nice.
i interviewed for a great job this past week that i hope i get and i plan to turn in my Barefoot job application this week so hopefully the summer will come together nicely, aside from making hardly any money.
i just cant help but find myself feeling…i dont know what the word for it is (and its probably just the combination of this crappy weather and school) about life right now. i want to move up there, but i’d need a roommate who can guarantee me a year and a place to live. i want to actually just move back to Navarre Beach, which was awesome and everything was perfectly fine and great there so that would be the ideal situation. i’m just not sure right now. it’ll all work out fine, i know this, but for now, i feel a bit off about it.


i want to feel at home where i live.

but where is that?
where is that at what time?
i must have the three semester itch.
three semesters ago i moved here.
now i have an itch to go back to nashville, but i may not return until january, if at all.
i miss it.
i miss small school.
i miss people from everywhere.
i miss caroline and our sonic trips and nsync.
but i live here now.
my school is here.
many of my friends from early in college are scattered across the country which is a beautiful and annoying thing at the exact same time.
this city has some to offer, mostly just school.
nashville has a ton to offer, my job is there, the only hope of me getting a promotion at that job would probably be if i lived there.
i hate this.
i hate being stratified like this.
i dont want to leave whenever (august or january or hopefully not as far out as may) and regret it or miss the boro or need to be closer for whatever reason to school.
my semesters will be tuesday thursday only with a sprinkling of online and independent study classes so its not like i’ll need killer 5 day a week school.
nashville is expensive though.
parts of it.
its all more expensive than the boro, especially more than a current offer in the boro 🙂
but its my city
its where i feel at home
its what makes me smile
it has my city-ness and parks and a whole different (and refreshing) breed of people
i’ll figure it out.
i just needed to write part of it out.

learning: what’s that?

i love college.

simply put.
i love discussion classes.
i love papers for interesting classes.
but only if the teacher is effective.
if he/she stimulates and encourages discussion, creative thinking, and has an open mind.
^this is what all teachers should be like primary, secondary, or university educators are investing their time and efforts into the future of the world and need to take that seriously.
soapbox aside.
what would America be like if we as a society actually valued education because it encourages learning not simply because it is a means to an end
now what do i mean by ‘means to an end’?
go to class
do assignments to get a score assigned to them which you will be judged by
you will become a number and judged solely off of numbers and the first 6 letters of the alphabet for the first 12 years of your schooling (once you get to college you may sadly find the same)
you show up every day just to do something to get to graduation to get to wherever you choose to get
you show up so that 12 years from then you can get a piece of paper that supposebly says you’re a worthy member of society.
^this is what education has become
we no longer value learning or going to school to further our knowledge in something
and educators know this
*sidebar* not all educators suck nor is it all their fault, but we have such low standards for education that we make it nearly impossible for them to be as effective as they need to be*
educators know that kids dont care
that parents simply want kids to have a degree/diploma
they don’t necessarily want their kids to be ‘well rounded’ or ‘knowledgeable‘ or ‘critical thinkers’
this is
and unacceptable
yet we have allowed it to happen.
everyone knows the education system needs a complete overhaul
but before we can allow this to happen and get fired up about it and actually cause it to happen we have to reinstate the value of learning in the majority of people.
other countries recognize it.
and we soon will see how that has paid off for them
just wait, it will happen in this economy crap.
our entertainment based country that sees education as simply a means to an end will not be on top soon and we will have no one to blame but ourselves. not simply our government. not simply our policy makers. ourselves.
we have sat on the sidelines and accepted crappy educations.
not that we could have done too much but we need to do something now.
we need to create education systems utilizing socratic seminars at young ages that encourage discussion
we need to find ways to allow students to find and develop their passions
we need to encourage those passions
we don’t need everyone to be like everyone else
some kids are good at math, they can have more classes in math. others HATE it and should be able to focus more on what they have a passion and skills for. at a younger age. i realize this is what college is based on, but passions and skills can be squelched out far before some kids even make it to college, so we need to start these things earlier.
we need to pay teachers so they dont have to get second jobs to pay their rent and can focus on their students
we need to build community
we need to do an overhaul of the education system and allow it to happen.
it will be messy to make things actually acceptable.
kids will fail.
schools will fail.
teachers will be fired.
tenure should cease to exist.
it will cost money.
it will require time.
it will require a restructuring of where our values/priorities lie in our country.
corporate crap and the bottom dollar will NOT be at the top, and should not be.
and these are the exact reasons why we don’t do it.
it costs money, time, and effort and will make people mad.
and heaven forbid we actually do radical things in this country that could help us.
we take the easy way out in EVERY facet of society and look where we are?
think about it and share your thoughts.
and do something.
if anyone has any opportunities for me to work with fixing anything to do with education, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know.

we don’t pay the people who make us

‘we don’t pay the people who make us’

why is this true?
why have we allowed this to happen?
is it out of selfishness or what?

we don’t pay teachers, counselors, social workers, law enforcement, etc etc nearly enough, sometimes barely a living wage (which is already too low of a standard)

but why is this the case?
why have we stood by and let this happen while Bernie Madoff did his crap and entertainers make BILLIONS a year
why have we turned our cheek to overly paid CEOs while the teachers who teach our children too often have to find a second job?

this is unacceptable.
i want your thoughts on why we’ve allowed this to happen.



ever wonder if in the pursuit of doing a task, our rules/regulations/policies/etc get in the way of actually accomplishing said task?

i know that’s pretty general but i think that we’re allowing our bureaucracies to get in the way of our missions far too often in every facet of life:
it seems like every single day i find myself in a situation where it would be much easier to just get something done the right way but i have to subject myself to the ‘policy‘ on how to do something or the ‘policy’ gets in the way of doing what’s right or what makes sense.
people get fired over stupid stuff all the time that had nothing to do with ethical issues, simply bureaucratic BS.
teachers constantly want you to format a paper a certain way in a certain font or else you get points taken off. what is that crap? as long as the content of the paper meets standards and the paper is legible and free of grammatical/spelling errors, why do the fonts and margins matter?
at work there are little ways of doing things that make no sense but we have to follow them because ‘corporate’ sent them down. has corporate ever worked the hourly jobs that we work and seen that their ‘policies’ don’t make a bit of sense. this doesn’t happen too often at my current job, but when i worked at target it happened ALL THE TIME. it was ridiculous. something could get done in a super effective manner, or we could follow the corporate mumbo jumbo and screw it all up and make people complain. hmmmm….see a problem here?
at church, we get so caught up in getting pissed if someone says the word ‘shit’ that we fail to even listen to what they were trying to say. we get so wrapped up in fitting into a checklist way of being a ‘christian’ that we miss out on the mission of a life of service and love. it’s sad. and it angers me.
i’d like to refer you to a note that speaks to this a bit: “Mad”
^please read that
this is not meant to be an in-depth note about all of my thoughts on bureacratic BS, it’s just meant to get you to think.
we get so wrapped up in HOW we’re doing something that we fail to even do it the way it needed to be done in the first place, if we even get it done.
(i don’t mean to use the church as an example all the time, but i think if we could change ourselves from within the church we could change the world a lot)
people at church get so wrapped up in praying the right way, saying the right things, wearing the right clothes, not saying cuss words, not doing this or that or whatever that we fail to serve the world. the world thinks we are hypocrites and gay-haters and wants hardly anything to do with us because we’re just a bunch of bible thumping rule setters. this is sad. this is not what the church was meant to be. read acts. read “crazy love.” read any of the bible or talk to any of the many youth ministers or preachers who have been fired for trying to ‘bend the rules’. we get so wrapped up in all this crap that we not only don’t complete our mission, but we often fire those within the church who have realized how stupid the bureaucratic crap is.
at work. we can all think of examples, i’ll leave that to you to reminisce about the times you realized there was a better/more effective way to do something but couldn’t because of ‘policy’ and then the project didn’t go as well as it could have.
we care more about the bottom dollar than the people.
this is a whole other note in itself but it ties into this notion of bureaucratic BS somewhat.
we have begun to treat people as a means to a goal.
we have begun to neglect people as people and see them simply as a way to get what we want.
who cares about their emotions, feelings, self worth?
we do this in work.
we do this in church.
we do this to our friends.
we do this in everything.
we neglect getting to know people because that requires emotional investment and time which we apparently see as too precious to give up to others.
we neglect helping another person in need out because this might also require emotional investment or even financial and why would we want to help out ‘that’ person, they’re homeless or poor or smelly or whatever.
we are all a few steps away from being ‘that’ person.
to go churchy for a sec, jesus was ‘that’ person.
jesus loved ‘that’ person
we are called to love ‘that’ person
yet we can’t get out of our selfish bubbles and see past our own noses.
in a time like this in our country, we need to all get over ourselves, foster a renewed sense of community, and love one another despite whatever shortcomings they may have because we are no better than anyone else.
if we could all take a step away from following a stupid rules list and could see that bureacracy is not the answer to everything, we would be a much better place.
i agree there need to be rules and there needs to be structure, but the structure should not be so rigid that anyone who questions or opposes it is stoned (fired, shunned, etc). that’s BS and not getting us anywhere but into a depression.

beach week

spring break 2009.


Navarre, FL. a small random dot on the map that no one’s really heard of because it’s an old person beach.
it was the most beautiful beach i’ve ever been too.
it wasn’t crowded.
it wasn’t touristy.
it wasn’t spring break-y.
it was perfect.
i spent my days (11am-6pm) on the beach, ate dinner, chilled, slept til 11am the next day and did it all again for 5 straight days. it was glorious.
we discovered Whataburger on our journey too which happens to be the greatest burger in fast food history yet Tennessee doesn’t have any. it was so good we went twice.
this blog is scattered, it sucks, and i apologize to you who are reading it.
we also discovered that although old people beaches are calm, clean, and friendly, that EVERYTHING closes at 9pm, even the bars. not that we were planning to go to a bar but we assumed that a restaurant with a bar would be open past 9pm, nope, wrong. even KFC was closed at 9. weird. so we ended up at waffle house and got weird looks that we were in Waffle House that late. it was an odd feeling. try it sometime, go to a Waffle House in an old people town past 5pm, you’ll be looked at funny. and the people under 30 in that town HATE living there apparently. every person we met would just tell us to go to Pensacola or Ft. Walton or Destin. i found it hilarious because this place was perfect but no one ever loves where they grow up.
ok i’m tired.
more later


sweet spot

i’m desperately searching for the ‘sweet spot’ God has called me to be in. i know that He has a reason for wherever we are at whatever time of life, yet i long desperately to be in the place where He has designed for me. In “Cure for the Common Life“, Max Lucado calls this our ‘sweet spot’ in life. the place where we can fully use all of the gifts given to us at full capacity and where we are fully satisfied in God because we know we are using all of our gifts for his glory.

i want to be here.
i feel used where i am. more than i used to, but i want to live my life in my sweet spot.
i think that ‘sweet spot’ is a relative term though because life changes, things happen, and the thing i really need to do most is develop and recognize the gifts He has given me and use those to my fullest extent every day in every aspect of life.
at the youth weekend i worked last weekend (quest) david nassar challenged everyone to spend 40 days giving up something we probably spend too much time doing anyway to spend time in the word. the theme of the weekend was sola scriptura, and we were challenged (ok it was mostly for the youth but the counselors were challenged as well) to commit alongside the students of our group to read the word earnestly for 40 days. starting today, the 40 days will end on easter.
how beautiful is that?
today, to be honest, i didn’t read. i got wrapped up in so many things and just neglected it but starting tomorrow i’m starting a journey of getting back deeper into the word every day. God reveals him deepest through the words He originally spoke, who would have thought?
i ask for your prayers that i will not only fully commit myself to this challenge but that i will challenge the 10 girls in my group from this weekend to do the same and that God will stir up a great work in them and that their love for him will overflow to the middle schools they attend and that a revolution will be awakened in my generation and in theirs that God is love.
we all know that but do we know what it means?? most of us don’t. i challenge you to discover this.
but back to what i was saying…
just pray that i can be a light to them and that they will be challenged and lean closer into God through the tough times of middle school and that God will speak through me to them. I felt Him doing so this weekend and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
i felt in my sweet spot when i was ministering to these girls.
today was the career fair at school for summer jobs.
i found some interesting stuff to look into. there was an internship at NES that would give me the corporate america crap but idk if i want it.
then there were potential opportunities with maryland farms Y working with youth that could be promising.
then i am going to look at the inner city youth development center at the downtown Y
THEN there was this AMAZING camp i found.
i’m tired and thus don’t have time to explain how amazing this camp looks but i would LOVE to be a part of it in some way.
it doesnt pay, which is kinda a downer, but i’ve learned that the best jobs in life don’t pay and i just have to find a way to lean into God through that and trust Him. ok i’m learning that.
but it looks awesome to say the least. i spent nearly 20 min talking to the girl at the table about it just listening to her tell me about it got me excited. i think it may be a God thing that i’m meant to do, i’m not sure how it will work but i want to do it.
one of my mission trips got cancelled 😦 but in theory i could spend all of july serving 3 weeks at this camp and 1 week in gulfport, MS plus y weeklong trip to guatemala in may. i’ve always wanted a summer where i serve and now it looks like its within my grasp and it terrifies me.
how will i save up money?
will i stay here or will i sublease and move home?
i wanted to move to nashville but i cannot pay rent in nashville if i’ll be gone in july can i?
i have all of these questions all relating back to that evil monster named money.
pray that i can work through this over the next little bit of time. i plan to spend spring break mulling these things over in my mind and prayers.
night all 🙂