caught in the tangles

oh the tangled-ness of life. gotta love it.

i know God has a plan for me and i know i need to seek him more and trust him more and just be all around more honest in my faith and deep in my spiritual life, but right now i just feel so tangled up in life….sorta.

my dad wants me to figure out next year right now. well he says he doesn’t yet asks me questions that seem like i should know exactly where i’ll live next year and exactly what i’ll do when i graduate and i don’t know those things.

i want to live in nashville, but that’s far from school. i am more myself when i’m there, my job is there, my favorite man on the planet is there, but school is not and cheap rent is not. i don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket with that job but i LOVE that job. it makes me more myself and it makes me happy and i indirectly get to serve people and the Y is just a great place to work, but it’s in nashville. sure i could transfer to the boro one but it’s not the same. it’s the people i work with that make the job great.

and nashville does not have mtsu in it and so i’d commute. it means i’d lose the ability to bike to school, and the ability to go to the library or rec center whenever i wanted. i’d lose some restaurants and such and i’d basically be severing ties with the town aside from school and i’m not sure if i’m ready to do that.

i’ll figure all this out in march or so but he still gets me thinking about it now.

i don’t want to sign a year lease in the boro because i don’t want to live there when i graduate. the town offers a lot of random crap yet i don’t want to be tied to it.

the big issue here is pathetically friends. i always feel lame when i talk about friends, but i miss my friends terribly. i thought i would make great friends when i transferred here, and i haven’t. i expected the kinds of friendships i made at lipscomb to be found here, but i haven’t found them. i expected to just meet people in classes or whatever and find friends, good friends, lifelong friends, but i haven’t. yeah i’ve met a lot of people and i’ve met a lot of great people yet i haven’t gotten close to really any of them. i’m not sure if it’s my fault or what the deal is but people here seem to have a different outlook on making friends in college.

i don’t want to go greek, its just not me, or at least it doesnt seem to be at mtsu.

i’ve tried a couple of the on campus christian groups yet i havent really found one i liked, i can’t find a church i like here, and i just can’t seem to find close friends.

i’ll be the first to admit that i value friendships deeper than the average person, but lipscomb gave me some of the greatest friends i will ever have, even though i don’t talk to many of them too much anymore because we’re all scattered across the country. but they were the deepest friendships i’ve ever had, for the most part, and i can’t seem to find that here and pathetically it upsets me.

granted i do still have a handful of friends from high school and i’m not discounting that, however, i long for deep friendship and i thought i would find more of that at this school and i haven’t. everyone seems perfectly content with the group they had from their high school or their home town and really isnt interested in expanding much outside of that except people to party with or go greek with and i don’t think that’s me.

i know God has a plan for me through all of this and i know its selfish and pathetic of me to sound like i’m complaining, but i just feel so lonely sometimes.

i know i need to lean into him more, but you know what i mean.

my sophomore year, the part at lipscomb, i developed some of these deep friendships and had the time of my life. you can look through my facebook albums and see the multitudes of pictures explaining that, yet it’s been different since then. i havent’ had those friendships locally and some of those friends have even drifted. not you kels kels!!

and i miss it.

but i don’t want to think about this too much and miss out on whatever God has planned for me right now and through this, but i just want some friends. as pathetic and middle school ish as that sounds, i just want some close girl friends to lean on and be honest with and just chill with. this is all just me venting and being me but i’ve really just struggled with this lately.

i know there is a plan through all of this and i know i’ll be able to comfort and empathize with others in this situation but right now i just don’t get it. but it will all work out and i know this i just needed to be all vulnerable and pathetic for a minute…..

but yes, all of you who are reading this need to read Francis Chan‘s Crazy Love….if you hadnt already seen me say this…


One comment on “caught in the tangles

  1. Natalie says:

    I know what you mean about MTSU being a hard place to find close friends. That was so true for me and I had never felt so lonely in all my life there. Sure I knew people from high school but when they weren’t around, what was I supposed to do. anyways that’s one of the reasons I hated mtsu and left. The only place I found friends was through CRU, I don’t know if you’ve tried that yet but you should. I’m supporting one of their interns and know some people I could point you towards to get more info about CRU if you would like. -Natalie

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